When I think about my home when I am out in the world I romanticize and idealize the north based on my childhood memories. In the end I always get a bit disappointed. Nothing is like it use to be. Have I changed so much, and have everything I loved and worshipped about this place disappeard.
I come here with ideas of being in the woods, to visit the mountains, to go snowmobiling, snowboarding and to visit friends and relatives. None of this comes true. The forest seems further away than normal, mountains is impossible to visit, to go snowmobiling could have occurred at the right weather and I'm no longer a part of my family and friends' lives.
Coming home means mostly loneliness and to sit inside.
Well I have too high demands. As usual. I see everything so romantic and hope that I will feel like before. But nothing is ever as it was. Now I learn it again. The beauty is still left up here. The purity of air and water and forest.
People live their lives day by day. I wonder deep down what they feel for my visit. When a woman who almost is never home, always on the go, walks into their door to socialize as before. Does I feel like a stranger?
I do not know if this is my home anymore. I do not feel caml and relaxed here..
Obviously, this is a place where I can feel safe and warm and satisfyed with food.
But I have to let go of the dream, the illusion I created.
Bye bye. I will visit you in my daydreams and have you in my heart. But I will no longer fantasize about meeting you! Things Change!
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